Partially true from recent WalMart news! (+how wacky emails get spread)

Recently, Walmart announced that, sometime in '09, it will begin offering customers a new discount item ... Walmart's own brand of wine.  The rumor has it that they'll soon be teaming up with Ernest &  Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price -- in the $2 to $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Walmart brand into their shopping carts, but "There is a market for inexpensive wine" said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas,  Bentonville.  "However, branding will be very important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for  the Walmart wine brand.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

Chateau Traileur Parc

White Trashfindel

Big Red Gulp

World Championship Riesling

NASCARbernet

Chef Boyardeaux

Peanut Noir

I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar

Grape Expectations

Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white Meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

P.S. Please don't bother commenting that this is a hoax.  I know that Possum is not the other white meat and they don't taste like Chicken or Squirrel either.  Of course my suggestion never got chosen: "Pinko Infidel."  I don't think they'll be Christening any new Bush Aircraft Carrier with my suggested brand either.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED?!! *smacks bow with Pinko Infidel*

I bad.  I know the above is old news but it's still funny. 

A tip of the hat to Dirty, cheapwowgoldl1,  

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and that everything was picked up and tidy. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,
'Dad.'

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: 'Today I am going to create a land called Iowa. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic landscapes full of buffalo, tall grass, and hawks, beautiful skies, forests full of elk and deer, rich farmland and fair skinned people.
God continued, 'I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Hawkeye's, and they shall be known as a most friendly people.
But Lord,' asked Gabriel, 'don't you think you are being too generous to these Iowans?
'Not really,' replied God 'just wait and see the winters I am going to give them.'

If you're proud that your region makes the national news at least 96 times each year because it's the hottest or the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Spirit Lake Iowa

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might farm in Iowa

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Des Moines Iowa

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Russell Iowa

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Iowa

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Iowan WHEN 'Vacation' means going east or west on I-80 for the weekend.

If you measure distance in hours, you might live in Iowa

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you might live in Iowa

If you often switch from 'Heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you might live in Iowa

If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching, you might live in Iowa

If you see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings), you might live in  Iowa

If you install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked, you might live in Iowa

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them, you might live in Iowa

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you might live in Northern Iowa

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you might live in Iowa

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you might live in Iowa

If your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce, you might live in  Iowa

If you were unaware that there is a legal drinking age, you might live in Iowa City Iowa

If Going Down South means Missouri, you might live in Iowa

If your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed, you might live in Iowa

If your idea of going out to eat is a tail gate party every Saturday, you definitely live in Iowa

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car; you might live in Iowa

If you find 0 degrees to be 'a little chilly', you might live in Iowa

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use Duct tape.

If you actually understand these jokes, and you laugh about them with all your Iowa friends -- you DO live in Iowa

 Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ..'
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.

SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, right?

Obi.

The  roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.  
   He acquired his size from too much pi.

Aaaaah, election time...

(Some Get it, Some Don't)

I was talking to a friend's little girl, and when I asked her what she
wanted to do when she grew up, she said she wanted to be President some day.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her,
'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'
She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'
'Wow - what a worthy goal,' I told her.  'You don't have to wait until
you're President to do that.  You can come over to my house and mow the
lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50.
Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs
out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.'
She thought that over for a few seconds because she's only 6. And while her
mother glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and
asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work and you can
just pay him the $50?'

And I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her folks still aren't talking to me.

(The things my brother sends me)

Obi.

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

 
 Fr. Vu

 Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Rufus, the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse on this stupid question, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore!!!

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise.  After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. 

 

Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Children are a gift from God," he said.

 

Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The congregation said, "AMEN."

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.

When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. she said, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake."
This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom-a roll of Toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom. Alice was horrified-she was beside herself.
Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time.

Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose the fact Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa , but having already RSVP'd , she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."

Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.

Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.....

 MORAL OF THE STORY :    Pay your bills

Recently the local mid-life scenario caught up to one of our friends, so he goes out and purchases himself a new Corvette.  While driving it home, he spots up ahead a rather large black man along side of the road with what appeared to be a broken down bicycle.  Curiosity got the better of my friend so he pulled over to ask as to what he could do to help this gentleman with his cycle.

"Well, it's chain is busted, and I don't have a spare one to get me back into town."

Being an ingenious mid-lifer my friend thought of a plan.

"Hey I got a rope in my trunk, how about if I strap your bike on the back and pull you back into town?  Here's also a whistle so if I get to going to fast, just blow on it and I'll slow down." 

So this worked out pretty well for a while, when a mean looking Mustang came up and revved his engine so as to goat my friend into racing him.  The Mustang takes off, tire's squealing.  Well not to be out done, off goes my friend to catch up and pass this pony.

They were flying along at a pretty good clip towards outskirts of town, when they zipped past one our state's Highway Patrolman who got so excited, that he radioed in to headquarters.

"Hey I just clocked two drag racers out here on ol' North 14 doing 96 miles per hour, and there's this big burley black man on bicycle who's blowing  his whistle,

so he can pass."

Another new young Doctor has just come to town and was being shown around the Iowa countryside from patient to patient by the older Doctor.  When they went to the first farm the older Doctor knocked on the door and was shown in by the farm wife.

"Well, how's things going?", the older Doctor asked the farm wife.

"Oh I've been having a lot of gas as of late and feeling blotted as well"

The older Doctor pondered this while his Stethoscope "accidentally" fell to the floor.  The older Doctor reached down while thinking about the farm wife's plight, when he slowly rose up and said thoughtfully to her, "I wonder if you cut back on the fresh fruit and not have as much on a daily basis."  She said she'd take that under advisement and thankfully showed the Doctors to the door.  On the way to the car the young Doctor was just so amazed at how did the older Doctor came up with this diagnosis.

"How did you come up with that diagnosis and you didn't even touch her?"

"Well", says the older Doctor, "when I bent over to pick up my Stethoscope I noticed her trash can was full of fruit and about a half dozen bananas peelings.  So I figured she's eating just way to much fruit, thus her problem."

"That was just amazing that you came up with that so quickly", the younger Doctor said respectfully.  After driving on down the road a spell the older Doctor pulled into the farmstead of his next long time patient who was having a concern of her own.  They again went up to the door and knocked.  The older Doctor introduced the new young Doctor.  She hesitated to invite them in, but remembering she did set up the appointment with the Doctor to stop by when he was in the area that day, she let them in.  She began to tell the Doctors about her feelings.

"I've been feeling tired and run down lately, I'm not so sure why."

The older Doctor turned to the younger Doctor and thoughtfully asked, "your thoughts?"

"Hmm," said the younger Doctor as he brought his hand up to his mouth to pause and look so professional.  Just then his Stethoscope slipped from around his neck in his moment of awkwardness, excusing himself he bent over to retrieve it.  Upon rising quickly and with that profound look of enlightened unease, he spoke plainly and succinctly, "I wonder if you cut back on all of your church activities if you'll start to feel less tired and a whole lot better."  The farm wife was so thankful and while quickly showing the Doctors to the door, she thanked them over and over.  On the way to the car the older Doctor was truly puzzled asked, "just how did you come up with that diagnosis so quickly yourself without even so much as touching her?"

"Well," the younger Doctor confided, "when I was bending over to retrieve my Stethoscope,

"I noticed the Pastor under the bed."

This guy was going down a back country road, when he passed a farm with a strange sign that said, "Talking Dog For Sale."  He continued on down the road pondering this, when it hit him that he needed to stop and check this out.  So, he turned around and went back to the farm where he'd seen the sign.  After pulling into the farm yard, he proceeded up to the farm house where he knocked and the farmer came to the door, the passerby asked about the talking dog. 

"I couldn't help but notice your sign about a talking dog for sale, can I see it?"

"Sure," says the farmer, "he's out back, just go around the corner there, he'll be out there laying around somewhere."

Sure enough, the guy goes around the corner and sees a beautiful black dog just lying in the sun, enjoying himself.  As the visitor approached he thought he should say something to see if the talking dog would respond.

"Hey fella, how ya doin'?"

The dog raised his head and replied to the new stranger in his yard with the typical answer.

"Well, I've been doing pretty good here since my stint with the CIA, it was all good though.  No one thought that a dog would be able to tell anyone anything since they felt at ease with me as a dog who wouldn't be able to tell anything on them.  So, I listened to every detail and reported to my superiors at the agency, that went pretty well for a time, then I went to work for the DEA checking luggage for drugs.  I found a lot of drugs and some dealers went to prison.  For my work I was rewarded pretty well, but after a while I began to think about retiring and finding a mother to my pups and just lay around here in the grass kickin' back and enjoying life."

The visitor listened to it all and thought that this dog would be worth purchasing, so he goes back around to the side of the house and knocks.  The farmer came out and the excited visitor inquired about the talking dog, "how much do you want for the dog?"

"$10 bucks"

"$10 bucks!?", the visitor responded surprisingly, "why so cheap?"

The frowning farmer put his hands into his bibs and responded, "because he lies."

A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3
of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all
of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't
believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why,
they actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our dog
Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in
that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him
into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About
2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his
 father again.
"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just
won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program
that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get
 him in that program?"
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will
find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all
excited.
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read
something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning,
just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked
back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing'
around with that little redhead who lives in town?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that blabbering cur before he talks to
your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.......)

There was a local Pastor that was wonder just how he could increase the coffers intake into the offering plates every Sunday.  When he came upon an idea to hypnotize the congregation with his old Grandfather's pocket watch, while he preached. 

Well, he tried this one Sunday as he spoke about the Scriptures to ad nauseam.  He just stood there swinging his watch back and forth, back and forth he went.  Then he asked the congregation to, "GIVE" he commanded.  By God it worked.

So he did this for several months and he was doing pretty good with the income that was pouring into the offering plates.  When one Sunday while swinging his watch back and forth, back and forth, he was just about to give the command "Give", when all of sudden the watch struck the podium falling to the floor into little pieces. 

To his amazement and dismay he yells, "CRAP."

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told
him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."